Asperger's is a huge part of my life now. I don't go one day without thinking about it. I think about it whenever there's a silly argument or Chris disregards that I might have feelings about something. I constantly am trying to realize that he is not capable of being like others in a relationship. There are things he can't figure out. Our relationship has changed, because our expectations for each other have had to change to be realistic of what each of us are capable of. It is important to me that our friends and family understand how Asperger's affects relationships. They need to know what challenges we face and how they can help support us as we face each of these challenges.
I want to answer questions in regards to how Asperger's affects relationships. What can we do to create a connection in our relationship, what can our families do to help, and what happens in raising a family. The scary thing about facing something that seems challenging is not knowing where to get information. I want people like me to know that there are answers and there are things you can do to help the relationship and make it work.
Does Chris have an actual diagnosis from a psychologist or doctor, not just second hand through you?
ReplyDeleteThere's plenty of information but your questions have to be somewhat different if you don't have an official diagnosis than if you do--so which is it?
Eventually you may want to break questions like 'create a connection' or raising a family into much more specific subquestions.
We have never pursued an actual diagnosis from a psychologist or doctor, because it doesn't seem important to have them verify it. We have done a lot of research and talked to a lot of friends that are in the medical field and that are psychologists. Knowing that specialists cost money and we would have to pay out of pocket for these expenses, we have never pursued it on that level.
ReplyDeleteI am not alone in my assessment of his behavior.
How should I alter my questions?
Whew, without a formal diagnosis, this isearch has a foundation built on sand. Without a diagnosis, everything is purely hypothetical.
ReplyDeleteLet me give you an example. I sometimes forget things (and I'm 66 years old.) If I self-diagnose as pre-Alzheimers and build my life around that, I may be doing myself a good deal of harm because the kind of minor forgetfulness I have may simply be part of my aging process.
The better question for me is not 'How do I cope with Alzheimers?' but rather 'Is this a symptom of Alzheimers or of something else?'
YOu're in that situation. The first question you have to answer is 'Does he fall somewhere on the spectrum of conditions including Asperger's?'
If you don't want to go to a doctor, then that becomes your big question. YOu don't assume you know the answer. YOu try to figure out what an expert would say, given the behaviors of the man.
It might interest you to know that some people say, half-jokingly, that all men by their very nature, by simply being men, are a bit aspergery.
It's worth being skeptical of slapping a label on someone, of self-describing oneself as having some condition one has not had professionally confirmed (and, fwiw and imo, Aspergers is probably hugely overdiagnosed these days. Try finding many diagnoses before, say, 1990.)
Anyway, I think your first and realest question is not 'what to do' but 'does he have it.'
Well, I have done a ton of research and am confident that if he was to see a professional, he would be diagnosed with aspergers. It is obvious it runs in his family. It's not a question of if he has it, we are confident that is the case. But, we are also pretty confident that a professional can offer some insight, it is highly overrated to pay someone for that. So we work on it without professional help.
ReplyDeleteI do know that before 1990 it was not diagnosed correctly and often people who had it were labeled with another autism spectrum disorder. Often times you can have many characteristics of aspergers and not actually get an official diagnosis.
I see the issue that it presents to the isearch project, but I think I could maybe tweak it...what if I instead talked about signs that an autism spectrum disorder is present, specifically the characteristics of aspergers and then tie it back into the questions? I can tweak the questions a bit....?
I just think you're in trouble once you base an isearch on a personal series of observations when in theory only a professional can provide that diagnosis. If you had a persistent cough lasting for weeks, would you be confident that you had correctly self-diagnosed a cold or flu or allergies? Wouldn't you be just a little interested in what an MD might say about the chances of lung cancer or TB?
ReplyDeleteLet me put it another way: what if what you see as Aspergers really is caused by a diet deficiency or even, god forbid, a noncancerous tumor in the brain? How would you feel when the truth came out. Well, that scenario is probably unlikely but it would be nice to exclude those outlying possibilities IMO.
I'm pretty confident that he would be diagnosed with Aspergers too! But that's just another way of saying that Aspergers is a catchall, overused term.
ReplyDeleteThe issue is not the diagnosis for the isearch, but the problems that have led to the self-diagnosis, and again IMO, the isearch should downplay Aspergers and play up hunting for solutions to relationship issues.